


impasse

by emiliefuture



Category: Matched Trilogy - Ally Condie
Genre: Dystopia, M/M, Mild Self-Loathing, Pining, Slash, Unpopular pairing, Unrequited Love, that should be more popular because damn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7338925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emiliefuture/pseuds/emiliefuture
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander loves games, and Ky is like the most intricate game of all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	impasse

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have only read the first book in this series. 
> 
> Also, I took creative liberty with several things in the interest of some angsty slash. 
> 
> This fic happened because I reread the book and ended up shipping the wrong (right?) thing.

impasse: imm•pass (noun) -  
a position or situation from which there is no escape; deadlock. 

 

(part one: dreams)

Cassia can't dream of Xander, and especially can't dream of Ky. But as this is the case, Xander knows full well that he can't allow himself any dreams either. He is ten, he wants something he shouldn't, and he knows what it is to be different.

He is awake in bed for hours, wanting to take the green pill so he can achieve any kind of calm, but also inexplicably... wanting to revel in his suffering. It's not entirely suffering, it's more like a happy pain, like a comfortable itch. 

He wants it to be for Cassia, really, he does. While Xander knows he shouldn't be thinking about anyone besides his Match, whoever that may be, it's even worse to feel what he is feeling, for whom he is feeling.

He wants to laugh and wants to cry. He is ten and there is something about water. He loves swimming, down to his very core, there is such a joy he feels in the pool, such happiness to be found there. 

At the pool, he hadn't drowned, but now, he feels like he is drowning. Xander had met the boy with the dark hair and blue eyes, the one who had wanted to save him. And Cassia had looked at him so admiringly, it tore Xander up, because Xander must have looked the same: staring at the beautiful, kind, mysterious boy in the water.

See, Xander always knew what he wanted. He knows now as well, but he refuses to admit it. 

He won't dream of Ky, he won't.

He will, in secret.

 

(part two: red)

Jealousy can be funny. Xander feels a burning under his skin directed toward Ky, which could easily be mistaken for jealousy. He isn't jealous, though, although as Cassia's best friend since forever, he has every reason to be. 

The incident with the red pills had shown another side to Ky- proven that he could break rules and not be caught. Xander feels such a huge wave of regret at instigating the whole affair, mostly at angering Ky. The boy with the blue eyes is not someone to be trifled with, apparently.

Part of Xander liked the attention, liked that Ky had noticed him and only him for a while. How Ky had managed to steal from Xander's parents, now that was a good question. It had been a bold, stubborn move driven by impulsiveness, but it had gotten the desired result. 

Apparently, they can both be cruel, Xander thinks to himself that night.  
And still, there is a fire under his skin. He blazes at the thought of Ky, and thinks that the boy must be like fire too, but a more carefully hidden fire, and they are so alike, so perfectly well-matched. 

But they are not Matched, that could never be.

Xander tries shaking the errant thought from his head, but it sticks like sap.

He is glad the red pill does nothing, because he wants to remember, and because he doesn't want to die before making Ky smile.

 

(part three: games)

Xander has always loved games, but Ky knows how to play too. It's almost smarter, the way he always loses, but it makes Xander sad, because he wants to see Ky win. Ky is so very smart, and Xander knows he deserves more than he gets.

Xander is seventeen and Cassia is his Match. This development is both expected and unexpected, much like Xander's life so far. It's an immense relief in a lot of ways, because if he wanted to tell anyone the real, honest, forbidden truth, it would be Cassia. She understands things most people don't.

But would she understand this? She's not in love with Xander either, that much is clear. And the way she looks at Ky is the way Xander would look at Ky, if only he were allowed. 

It's easy, so easy to play the part Cassia wants him to play- of the poor boy in love with a childhood friend. It's true, but not in the way she thinks. Now, when he plays games with Ky, there is a sense of jealousy. There is heat between them, and Xander fears getting burnt, because Ky is so clever.

Given time, Ky could figure him out. 

"Your move, Xander," Ky says, over a game of chance. Cassia watches them, and the fight looks to be over her. They are so well-matched.  
Ky's blue eyes are different than Xander's, he knows that now. 

Ky's are darker, the deep blue of evening, and Xander's are plain, simple, Society-friendly blue. Ky meets his eyes and Xander's entire being heats up and he wants the most ludicrous thing of all- a kiss. As they shuffle their cards, preparing for the next round, Xander wonders and wants the other boy's lips pressed against his.

Surely, it would be another challenge, with Ky's cleverness and the electricity running through everything they do.  
They are similar in their differences from everyone else. They know more, because they pay attention. But Xander is different in an unprecedented way, one that not even Ky, an Aberration, is.

Xander considers himself the real Aberration.

But Ky loses another game, and the fire between them is still there.

It seems Ky is the most intricate game of all, and Xander can't win.

 

(part four: blue)

Cassia has something to tell Xander as they stand by the pond. She is in love with someone else. Xander hurts, because he knows what it feels like. Just because he saw this coming, because he knew what she would say before she said it, that doesn't make the ironic sting any better.

Cassia tells the story of the Officials and two faces on the screen. Xander listens. "Ky Markham," he says when she is done, holding his Match's hand, but it's all wrong, because neither of them want each other. They don't want the Society's perfect pairing, not when Ky Markham has invaded both their lives. 

He wants to tell her. Cassia is not the perfect Match for Xander. But neither is Ky, no matter how much he wants. He walks away, more angry at himself than at Cassia, and really wants to tell her.

Later, he tells her parts of it: the incident with the red pills, and Ky's Artifact, its spinning needle pointing the lost boy in unknown directions, away from the ones that love him. Xander shares his view of Ky, different than Cassia knows him, sharper and made of imperfect edges. 

He gives her a goodbye present, enough blue tablets to sustain her while she goes who knows where, in search of a boy she loves. The tablets are blue, a shade perfectly manufactured, and the color is a mix between Ky's eyes and Xander's. 

Looking at them makes Xander sad, as if he is sinking into fathomless blue himself. Cassia's clever eyes are searching him, asking why. She speaks of a better world, one where she and Xander could choose. It's like she knows, but can't put every piece together yet. 

"You should be able to choose," she implores. 

"I can't," Xander says. "I wouldn't be allowed." 

"You could. In a better world." Cassia says. "One where we can get Ky back." Her hands are shaking.

"Ky," Xander repeats, and Cassia doesn't miss the sadness in his voice. So he might as well tell Cassia, since odds are he's never going to see her again. 

"I would choose Ky, if I were allowed. You're not the only one who loved him, you know."


End file.
